The Value of Difficulties

The Value of Difficulties

“For our powers can never inspire in us implicit faith in ourselves except when many difficulties have confronted us on this side and on that, and have occasionally even come to close quarters with us,” writes Seneca in Letters from a Stoic.

 

In the quote above, Seneca writes that we can never develop a legitimate sense of self-confidence if we never face difficulties and challenges. If our lives are free from real obstacles and if we never face any real struggles, then we will never be prepared to step up  to take on greater challenges. Growth and preparation for large and important moments in life comes from the struggles we wish we could have avoided along the way.

 

Seneca continues, “It is only in this way that the true spirit can be tested – the spirit that will never consent to come under the jurisdiction of things external to ourselves.”

 

By learning from mistakes, overcoming obstacles, and finding strength during difficult times, we begin to be able to step back and become more objective in how we view ourselves and the situations in which we find ourselves. Wild successes and crushing failures lose their influence on our lives when we have faced difficulties and survived. Instead of placing all our happiness in a certain outcome, instead of living with constant fear of something negative, we are able to be more calm and centered, accepting that things may not go well, but confident that we can make it to the other side in a reasonable manner if things don’t go well. In this way external pressures and outside considerations of our lives cease to have influence over how we live and how we feel from moment to moment. Only by facing obstacles, learning about ourselves, and surviving difficulties can we develop the mental fortitude to reach this level of self-confidence.
Developing Self Esteem

Developing Self-Esteem

One of the reasons I write this blog is because I believe that we need deeper conversations about minor aspects of our lives. I think we need to be more considerate about what is truly important, and we need to think more deeply about how we can remove some of the less important things, so that we spend more time engaging with what is meaningful. I want to pull out the crucial ideas within the aspects of our lives that go overlooked and that are under-discussed so that hopefully someone can have a more thoughtful conversation about these important topics.

 

One topic, which came to mind from Sam Quinones’s book Dreamland, is the development of self-esteem for adolescents. I’m not a parent, so I am sure that I am missing some important points here and I’m sure that my perspective is limited, but from my experience and observations I feel  confident to say that important conversations about meaning, value, and expectations are not taking place with adolescents. What I’m thinking about now is how parents, coaches, and people in society can help young people develop a sense of self-esteem aligned around meaningful values that help make the world a better place.

 

Quinones quotes Ed Hughes, the former executive director of The Counseling Center in Portsmouth, OH, “You only develop self-esteem one way, and that’s through accomplishment.” Quinones himself is critical of parenting in the 90’s and 2000’s writing, “Parents shielded their kids from complications and hardships, and praised them for minor accomplishments – all as they had less time for their kids.”

 

The critique that Quinones and Hughes make is that parents have gone through great lengths to give their kids everything and to try to ensure that their children are never bored, never unhappy, and never potentially harmed – either physically or mentally. The result, according to Quinones and Hughes, is that children are unprepared for real life. They lack self-esteem because any accomplishments that they have are minor, and were parent assisted or directed. Many kids did not struggle on their own, did not learn from mistakes, and were propped up with empty praise. This left them feeling bored, empty, vulnerable, and inadequate, which made drug addiction all the more likely.

 

What I hope we can do, not just as parents but as a society, is talk about real opportunities for taking meaningful actions in our lives. I hope we can back away from terrible work schedules and the pursuit of ever more money and consumer goods, and move toward a society which encourages real interaction and contribution toward involvement and engagement. This can be done starting with our youth, with the opportunities we provide them to be engaged in something meaningful, and with the conversations we have with them about what is important in life.

 

If we don’t have these conversations with our youth, if we don’t help give them opportunities to do something meaningful, then they will look to TV, celebrities, and our own actions to determine what is good and important. Often that will be the same empty vision of happiness presented in our consumer culture focused on buying products and showing off our wealth. Quinones and Hughes would likely argue that this is only going to exacerbate our loneliness, emptiness, and the potential for drug use and despair.

The Path of Least Resistance

The premise of Ryan Holidays book, The Obstacle is the Way, is that our fortune in life will shift continuously, and we will face success, failure, challenges, and obstacles along our journey. Reaching our goals requires that we prepare for the difficulties of the journey in order to be prepared and find growth. Holiday focuses on how these challenges mold and shape us to become better people, and he discusses the ways in which we can ready ourselves for the obstacles in our life and writes, “the path of least resistance is a terrible teacher. We can’t afford to shy away from the things that intimidate us. We don’t need to take our weaknesses for granted.”

 

His quote is building on the idea that  overcoming obstacles is what will propel our lives, and that we find the success we desire when we work toward something great without backing down from obstacles that intimidate us. We know some of the challenges that we will face along our journey and we know there are obstacles that we won’t be able to see, but we should not let that keep us from advancing or from starting out at all. When we go beyond the path of least resistance we learn more about ourselves and develop skills that will help us take greater steps toward what we want. If we see challenges and back down, then we miss an opportunity to grow and develop ourselves. If we look at the rewards of our future goals, but dismiss those goals because we think the challenges will be too great, then we are letting something external control our minds and our lives.

 

What Holiday encourages us to do is recognize our weaknesses and think forward to the difficulties we have to prepare for them. By doing so we can begin to plan for how we will surmount those obstacles and how we will battle against the challenges. By understanding our weaknesses and leaning into them, we give ourselves opportunities for action and growth. Hiding our weaknesses from ourselves and backing away from the barriers between us and our goals will limit our growth and create only an illusion of success and hard work. Ultimately without thinking of where we need to grow and how adversity helps us achieve growth, we trick ourselves into thinking we have reached our zenith and we create excuses for why we cannot go further. Avoiding the path of least resistance and planning for the challenges we will face is what will give us true growth.