Tag: Self Awareness

Avoiding Extremes

Posted on by jabittan
Colin Wright is an author, podcast host, and in to some degree full time traveler writing about his experiences and the ways in which he has come to see the world through stoic principles of self-awareness and mindful consideration. In his recent book, Come Back Frayed, Wright details his experiences living in the Philippines and explains ways in which his lifestyle contribute to his being able to not just survive, but thrive in very different environments and places. One of Wright’s traits lending to a successful lifestyle of travel is his ability to avoid extremes in terms of thought, behavior, and desires. Regarding extremes he writes,

 

“Extremes are insidious because they’re incredibly valuable until they’re not. At some point on the usefulness curve, they transition, hyde-like, to harmful. Even water is deadly if you drink too much of it.
Avoiding extremes has become an integral part of my lifestyle, because I find that walking up to that line, toeing it, and then stepping back to stand on healthier, more stable ground is what allows me to work and live and enjoy the world around me without suffering the consequences of burnout, sleep-deprivation, ill-health, and fanaticism.”

 

I enjoy this passage because Wright explains the importance of remaining even and level in our actions. It is easy, tempting, and often encouraged to push toward an extreme in whatever we are doing with our lives, but in the long run the consequences of living on the extremes can be disastrous. Pursuing diets without flexibility, driving toward completing incredible amounts of work, and even participating in non-stop leisure can lead to worse outcomes than if we had been more balanced in our approach. Focusing so highly on one area may help us find incredible success, but as we push further toward the extremes, we must out of necessity, and limitations on our time and energy, give up attention for other areas of our life. Without stopping to take notice of our focus, we will find that suddenly, our laser detail on one extreme, has allowed other areas to become problematic.

 

This is the sudden change that Wright discusses in his quote above. Extremes push us to places where the supports that allow for our behavior become weakened and unable to further support our specific efforts. Because our focus is so set in one area, it also means we are oblivious to areas we have chosen to neglect, and when problems arise, we might not know where to look to find solutions.

 

Greatness and deliberate action are things to strive for, but we should recognize what we are sacrificing to reach those goals. As we drive further toward extremes in pursuit of excellence, we will notice that we must take our focus away from other areas. Being conscious of our decisions and recognizing when we are approaching extreme points will help us find a place where we can continue to seek greatness on more stable footing.
Feeling our Emotions

Feeling our Emotions

Posted on by jabittan
Ryan Holiday addresses a common misperception of stoicism in his book, The Obstacle is the Way, when he addresses ideas surrounding our emotions and how we handle our emotions. I think people often associate stoicism with a lack of emotion, and will describe people as being stoic when they respond to emotional situations like reactionless statues. I think there is merit to the idea that people who follow stoicism don’t show emotion, but I think it is often taken to the extreme in people’s mind. Not showing wild emotion swings becomes conflated with not having or feeling any emotion at all, and in Holiday’s writing the curtain is pulled back to give us a new view of how we can react to our inner feelings, and to give us new perspective on the thoughts and minds of those we call stoic in turbulent times.

Holiday writes, “Real strength lies in the control or, as Nassim Taleb put it, the domestication of one’s emotions, not in pretending they don’t exist.” Holiday’s quick quote shows that stoics and people who practice stoicism are not simply stones without emotion. Rather than being voids without feelings, Holiday presents an image of someone who is self-aware and capable of managing and controlling their emotions. Stoics have practiced this ability over time, recognizing their feelings, channeling their passion in productive ways, and choosing how they will use their emotions. Often we don’t see these people as having any emotion because we do not see the visible emotional outbursts that are common on television shows and socially encouraged at sporting events.

Holiday takes the idea of feeling emotion a step further in his book. He does not simply explain that people who follow the teachings of Marcus Aurelius and other stoics feel emotions, he explains that people who practice self-awareness and recognize the ways their emotions drive their behaviors experience better outcomes in life than those who allow themselves to be driven by the impulses of their emotional states. Further, Holiday writes that stoics feel their emotions quite strongly, and that they do not ignore their emotions. He encourages his readers to explore and to feel their emotions, but he does so in a way that is constructive and provides us the opportunity to learn and grow from our current state. By using our emotions and being aware of them we can channel our energy into truly productive directions. The failure to recognize and the failure to understand our emotions leaves us in a place of no direction.  When we assume that we should not feel one way or another, and when we strive to be without emotion, we leave a valuable part of ourselves behind.

Determining Good or Bad

Posted on by jabittan
What makes a situation good or bad? In his book, The Obstacle is the Way, Ryan Holiday follows the stoic logic of Marcus Aurelius to explain that our perceptions and opinions are how we determine whether any given situation is good or bad. How we decide to interpret any event shapes our actions, and we can move in directions that will be either beneficial or detrimental for us and our community, but it is always our choice based on our interpretations of the world around us. Holiday writes, “In fact, if we have our wits fully about us, we can step back and remember that situations, by themselves, cannot be good or bad. This is something — a judgment — that we, as humans beings, bring to them with our perceptions.”
It is obvious that the most horrific human experiences and sufferings in our species’ history are bad situations, but when we look at the daily experiences of our lives, we rarely face any challenges or obstacles that are inherently bad. We will face points of incredible bad luck and experience stretches of good luck, but it is ultimately our decision and perception that determines what we think of our luck. A flat tire when we are already late for work could be a very bad situation, but if we can take hold of our emotions then we can recognize that the tire on our car has no direct contact with the faculties of our mind, and therefore has no direct control over our thoughts. Allowing a random situation to take hold of our mind and shape our perception is an act of abandoning what makes us human.  If instead we ask ourselves how we have truly been harmed, and if we recognize that our lives are truly never made better or worse by nearly any situation, then we can grow and adapt.
When Holiday writes of using obstacles to find our direction, he is writing about building the ability in our mind to recognize that it is our reactions to obstacles that shapes the path of our lives. Obstacles present opportunities to grow, but in the moment it is never easy or encouraging to have our path obstructed by challenges. However, self-awareness and reflection on our thoughts can help us see the best ways to move forward. When we choose not to become angry and dejected over situations, we give our minds the power to be creative and resilient. Through greater perspective we recognize that nothing truly changes our lives besides our own mindset.

The One Thing We Control

Posted on by jabittan
Perception is a major focus throughout the book The Obstacle is the Way by Ryan Holiday. By focusing on how we see the world around us and how we choose to react to the world in which we live, Holiday explains the many ways in which we can adapt and overcome the barriers which impede us along our path. For Holiday, our perception can become either a tool that we use to expand the possibilities around us, or a roadblock preventing us from becoming the best possible version of ourselves. Holiday writes,

 

“We decide what we will make of each and every situation. We decide whether we’ll break or whether we’ll resist. We decide whether we’ll assent or reject. No one can force us to give up or to believe something that is untrue (such as, that a situation is absolutely hopeless or impossible to improve). Our perceptions are the thing that we’re in complete control of.”

 

Reacting automatically and living on autopilot is an easy way to move through life, but it is also a lifestyle that abandons self-control by giving up consciousness in regards to our perceptions. Allowing our lives to be limited by narrow views of what is possible leaves us in a position where our power to change is insignificant. Rather than allowing our mind to see obstacles in new ways, we double down on limitations, and assume that we were never meant to proceed. We accept that our world is finite, and we give control to another person or what we see on television or to forces that seem to operate above us.

 

Holiday encourages us  to regain control over our choices and our perceptions. I don’t think his message is to simply have greater will power or determination in our lives, though that may be part of what he advocates, but ultimately he encourages more thought and expansion of the way we look at any situation.  Life can pull us in many directions and our busy lives may feel like a tornado beyond our control, but through mindfulness and self-reflection, we can begin to recognize the choices we make, and we can begin to recognize how we think about and approach the situations in our life. Changing our perspective and refocusing our thoughts in ways that align with our values will allow us to be more fulfilled. Reaching this point requires the ability to shift our perspectives and to understand the power we have in deciding whether our minds with be fortified and sound, or whether our thoughts will be reactionary and at the discretion of the world around us.

Seeking Obstacles

Posted on by jabittan
In The Obstacle is the Way, author Ryan Holiday encourages us to run toward  the obstacles that appear in our lives instead of constantly trying to avoid obstacles and challenges. He highlights the opportunity for growth that obstacles provide, and shows us how they build new opportunities. He writes, “Obstacles are not only to be expected but embraced…because these obstacles are actually opportunities to test ourselves, to try new things, and, ultimately, to triumph.” This short quote sums up much of Holiday’s thinking surrounding the challenges in our lives and how he views the struggles we will encounter.
What I find great about this quote is Holidays acceptance of struggles and challenges as a necessary part of life. I find that I try so hard to build a life for myself where I will not face challenges and struggles, but it is a useless effort. What Holiday says is that we should expect our lives to be full of obstacles and we should not imagine a perfect future life free from adversity. I think I am stuck in a trap that has been built for people of my generation, the millennial generation, where it is easy to imagine a simple life with all of our desires available accessible, and with all our obstacles mitigated by forces beyond our control. The simple truth is that we will all experience some degree of suffering, and it is through our struggles that we will grow and become better people.
Holiday also shows the importance of building awareness and self-reflection into our life journeys. If we are not aware, then we will not see the opportunities that present themselves in the obstacles that we face. Any bit of adversity that we experience can have a positive side to it, if we understand our reactions and look for ways to use our adversity as a new fortification for the foundations upon which we rest our lives.  Without a dose of awareness, we risk crumbling in front of our challenges, unaware that it is this very challenge that could help propel us further.

A Dose of Self-Awareness

Posted on by jabittan
Marcus Aurelius was the emperor of Rome in the second century and in his position became one of the most powerful people on the planet.  But even in his position as emperor he was able to find ways to remain humble and to look at other men in a way that elevated them. He reminded himself of the areas where he needed to grow, and he focused on his own faults more than he looked for faults in others.  He wrote about his beliefs of self-awareness in his book Meditations, giving us an insight into his practice of self-reflection.

 

When looking at himself relative to other people Aurelius wrote, “consider that thou also doest many things wrong, and that though art a man like others; and even if thou dost abstain from certain faults, still though hast the disposition to commit them, though either through cowardice, or concern about reputation or some such mean motive, thou dost abstain from such faults.” He uses this section to explain that we can never elevate ourselves above others if we are truly practicing self-awareness and if we are able to open our minds to see the world from multiple perspectives, including the perspectives of those who we deem to be in error.

 

Aurelius is encouraging himself to recognize that he shared many of the same faults that he saw in other people, and he used this recognition to keep himself from making the mistake of placing himself on a pedestal above others. By not placing himself on a moral high ground and by not elevating himself beyond the rest of humanity, he was able to better understand the lives and decisions of those around him. He was able to recognize that he had the same desires and wishes to make decisions that he would criticize in others, and this awareness helped him to participate with others and connect with them in a deeper manner.

 

If we fail to build self-awareness into our lives then we will likely place ourselves above others and begin to look at only our successes relative to the shortcomings of others.  This places us in a world were we can never have true relationships with those around us, and instead of being able to help others, our ignorance will push them away in a firestorm of hypocritical advice giving. Aurelius’ practice of self-awareness is something we can incorporate into our own lives to help us grow, and to help those around us grow.

Recognizing Our Own Shortcomings

Posted on by jabittan
Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius wrote about the importance of turning inward and honestly judging our own character in a way that is intimate and helped us move our lives forward in a constructive manner.  Throughout his book Meditations he wrote of the importance of being self-aware, and provided notes about being socially responsible by becoming more intentional with our actions, and more honest in our thoughts.  He encouraged himself constantly to be humble and realistic about his abilities and his own faults, careful to never raise himself above other men despite the fact that for 20 years he was one of the most powerful people on the planet. The way that he looked at himself relative to others is summed up well in a quote from Meditations,

 

“When thou art offended at any man’s fault, forthwith turn to thyself and reflect in what like manner thou dost err thyself; for example, in thinking that money is a good thing, or pleasure, or a bit of reputation, and the like. For by attending to this thou wilt quickly forget thy anger, if this consideration is also added, that the man is compelled; for what else could he do? Or, if thou art able, take away from him the compulsion.”

 

The important thing for Aurelius during the times when we see faults with other people is to recognize ways in which we share those faults or ways in which we have similar shortcomings in our own lives.  He encourages us to look inward at our selves rather than to put ourselves on a pedestal above others. When we see the faults in others and are blind to our own failures we limit our growth and build a false sense of exceptionalism in our lives.

 

Aurelius’ quote is similar to a quote I wrote about from Colin Wright in December of last year,

 

“On a personal level, outrage makes us feel superior. By becoming indignant, we’re drawing a line in the sand and declaring ourselves to be on the right side of a given issue. We’re saying, ‘How horrible this situation is, and how capable am I of declaring right and wrong, and passing judgment on those involved!’”

 

Aurelius explains the ways in which we can overcome the feeling of outrage that builds in us when we see others acting in a negative way. Their faults can be taken as personal insults or moral failures, and it is far more tempting to become outraged than to recognize that we share the same or similar shortcomings in our own lives. Failing to see our own faults and allowing ourselves to build a sense of outrage gives us the chance to tell ourselves how great we are, how correct our world views have become, and how much better we are than other people in society. It feels great to be outraged and to talk about our superiority over others, but it limits our interaction with other people and prevents our society from being able to join together to become better.

 

As emperor Aurelius had no shortage of opportunities to let himself build on outrage and feelings of superiority, but what he instead reminded himself in Meditations is that he could not place himself above others because in doing so he would become blind to the reality that he and all people make the same mistakes.  He was more focused on using self-awareness and reflection to grow and make the world better than he was on building his fame and influence by denigrating others.  Recognizing our shortcomings and where they come from can help us have conversations with others about the same failures and about ways in which our society encourages (or does not punish) those failures. Avoiding outrage and understanding our errors helps us become more human and helps us connect with others so that they may avoid the same shortcomings in their lives.

Turning Words to Action

Posted on by jabittan
In Meditations, Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius shares his thoughts on how to live a meaningful and purposeful life.  The book is his collection of self-reflections on not just how to succeed in life, but how to take advantage of the time we have on this planet, and how to live a life that lets us feel complete.  One of the themes in his book is connecting our beliefs, thoughts, and words with our actions. He encourages us to reflect on our lives and be aware of the ways we think that we and others should behave. If we can be honest with ourselves and recognize wether or not we are truly living up to those standards then we can always ensure that our actions align with our beliefs and that we are moving in the right direction for the right reason.

 

In a short segment in Meditations, Aurelius writes, “No longer talk at all about the kind of man that a good man ought to be, but be such.” To follow through on this advice requires self-reflection and self-awareness to measure our actions against the ideas we have for how  we should live.  Recognizing the areas where we do not act in accordance with our beliefs is not difficult, and we will have no shortage of excuses for why we do not act the way we know we should.  Once we can understand the excuses  and accept our own shortfalls we can begin to enact Aurelius’ advice, and we begin to see that our lives become more fulfilling as we live with a greater intent. Rather than wishing for our lives to be different, we can recognize the changes we want to see, enact them, and putt power and control over our lives back on within our own hands.

 

When we spend time focusing on what a good person should be without looking first inward at ourselves, we abandon hope of living our life with intention, and risk becoming increasingly judgmental of those around us. Cynicism builds in this situation, and we fail to take action to change the world in the direction we want. Instead, we see the negativity around us, assume ourselves to be a beacon of moral righteousness, and fail to improve our life or the lives of those around us.

 

We do not need to speak to others about what we all should expect from life, society, or ourselves, but our actions should define our expectations. When we fail to build our words and thoughts into our daily habits, others will take notice, and our words will become hollow, leaving us increasingly frustrated at our inability to advance and create the change we want to see or expect to see in ourselves and others.

The Consequence of Doing Wrong

Posted on by jabittan
Looking at good and bad actions in terms of self-reflection, Marcus Aurelius in his book Meditations provides us with a clear view of the good and bad acts that we do.  “He who does wrong does wrong against himself. He who acts unjustly acts unjustly himself, because he makes himself bad.” In this simple quote Aurelius gives us a powerful reason not to do bad acts, and he reminds us why we must build honest self-reflection and practices of self-awareness in our lives.

When we do not take the time to honestly assess ourselves and evaluate our lives we allow ourselves to live in a world where we see ourselves as always correct and always acting in the most logical of ways. If we do reflect on how we behave and the decisions we make, it often does not take long to peel back the gilded surface and recognize our flaws.  We may tell ourselves that we are always nice people who treat others with respect and give them the benefit of the doubt, but just under our surface we may see that we yell at people on the highway, tailgate, or have particular driving habits that are meant to simply annoy someone around us.  A small dose of honest self-reflection can help us see these areas where our behaviors do not align with our self-talk and our beliefs about the people we are.

Aurelius’ quote takes the idea of self-reflection beyond the easy to find reflections of why we should be nice while driving on the freeway, and extends it to areas far beyond. He argues that we should strive to be cognizant of the negative aspects of our life so that we can change them. When we allow our shortcomings to exist, we allow ourselves to be bad people, or at least not the best version of ourselves.  Recognizing when we have an opportunity to do bad, and understanding how our bad actions are diminishing, even if they don’t harm others, can help us grow to be more aligned with the views that we hold or wish to hold about ourselves.

Stoic Self-Awareness

Posted on by jabittan
The last couple of years for me have been a journey to better understand my thoughts, motivations, desires, beliefs, and assumptions. I began working on self-awareness after I realized that I did not fully understand the world and what was happening around me. Podcasts helped open my eyes and helped me see that there were many things that I was ignorant of and viewed from only one perspective. From that realization I began to see the importance of self-awareness.  I have continued to make self-awareness a major focus in my life, and Marcus Aurelius echoes and guides my thoughts and feelings of reflection in his collection of writings Meditations.

 

“Those who do not observe the movements of their own minds must of necessity be unhappy,” Marcus Aurelius wrote in regards to self-awareness.  By not focusing on ourselves and by not looking inwards, we are allowing ourselves to move through life without guidance and direction.  The way we think about the world and our position in the world is something we can change and control, but it is also something that can move and fluctuate on its own if we  are not careful. Aurelius is encouraging us to master our thoughts and explore those parts of us which make us who we are.

 

A powerful metaphor that I came across to better explain the importance of self-awareness and reflection came from a young author named Paul Jun. In his book Connect the Dots, Jun described the following metaphor. Think of self-awareness and focus like a flashlight in a dark room.  Your flashlight can illuminate a certain space, and the more narrow the focus of your flashlight the clearer the item you shine it at becomes.  But while you are focused in one area, everything else is obscured. When you begin to take a step back and shine that flashlight at a greater area you will see things that were hidden before.

 

For me, this idea of self-awareness and shining a flashlight of focus on areas that had been dark to my conscious helped me better understand many of the expectations and pressures that I lived with. I thought deeply about what my ideas were regarding success, and where those ideas came from.  I thought about what I expected myself to do as part of the identity I had developed for myself, and I thought about why I had those expectations.  Through a journey of self-awareness I was better able to understand my own morals, values, and principles which gave me the ability to see what things fit in with who I wanted to be and allowed me to act accordingly.