Evaluating What Really Matters

I really wish that the work week was not 40 hours long. I really believe we could be just as productive working 6 hour days rather than 8 hour days, and I think that we could use our extra time to build meaningful social capital in our societies and lives. (As an aside, I do recognize that a shorter work day would really just mean our cities would sprawl more and we would live further from work and spend more time commuting for work). Where we are right now, is in a weird position where we have allowed our work to consume almost all of what we do for reasons we don’t like. We work 8 hours a day and 40 hours a week because we want more and we want things that don’t really matter so that we can impress people we don’t really care about. We are focusing on things that are not that important and giving up large amounts of our lives to pursue these meaningless things.

 

In Letters From a Stoic, Seneca writes, “it is easy to escape, if only you will despise the rearwards of business. We are held back and kept from escaping by thoughts like these: What then? Shall I leave behind me these great prospects? Shall I depart at the very time of harvest? Shall I have no slaves at my side? No retinue for my litter? No crowd in my reception room?” It is hard to look at the opportunity for material gain and turn it down in favor of enjoying time. It is hard to draw back when we see an avenue for promotion, a way to work more to earn more, or a chance to gain more status and prestige. Often however, we hate the time we spend working and we put ourselves in situations that are dangerous to our health (even if you are not going into a mine, going into an office that spikes your blood pressure every day is unhealthy).

 

“Hence men leave such advantages as these with reluctance,” Seneca writes, “they love the reward of their hardships, but curse the hardships themselves.”

 

I recognize how important hard work is. I understand that without everyone working together to get stuff done, society does not advance, we don’t grow and prosper, and we don’t have any way to enjoy our leisure time. But I think we may be at a point where we are no longer working to enjoy our leisure time. We are not seeing our levels of work decline as we become more prosperous, we see the opposite. Productivity growth is slow, but the hours we spend working are increasing. This suggests we are putting ourselves in places we don’t want to be, not really working that hard when we are there (because we hate it) and then getting rewards we don’t even have time to be happy with.

 

I think we should step back and reconsider the things that really matter. We should find ways to pull back from work we hate and dislike. We should find ways to give people time and should encourage people to use that new time in a way that brings communities together with shared purposes and prospects. Rather than selfishly working for ourselves, we should spend more time engaged in a community and working together for others.

Thinking About Meaning

A challenge for me over the last few months is thinking about building a meaningful life and a career within that life. I am at a stage in life where it feels that a lot of doors are open for me in terms of a career trajectory, and choosing one direction is scary because I don’t want to close out better opportunities than where I decide to point myself, and I don’t know exactly which direction is indeed going to feel the most meaningful and fulfilling.

 

I have come to understand that in many ways what we choose as our ultimate goal is less important than the effort we put into achieving that goal. Colin Wright puts it this way in his book Becoming Who We Need to Be, “The journey itself is meaningful. The goal is important, but the act of working toward it, even when painful or disheartening, is meaningful by association.” I want to have a solid and inspirational goal to work toward, but I also recognize that the effort toward the goal will teach me unexpected lessons, will create new avenues for opportunity, and can be what helps my life be fulfilling.

 

As I move forward, I am trying hard to identify problems that I have a skill set that I can apply to those problems. My hope is that I will identify a goal where my abilities can help contribute something positive to mitigate a serious problem to at least a marginal extent. With a solid trajectory, I believe I can find satisfaction by continuously  engaging in habits and processes that help me work toward that goal. I am frustrated that I cannot see my path forward as clearly as I can see where I have come from, but I am confident that meaningful action will open the right doors for me.

 

I think that my thoughts on fulfillment are something that should be shared more broadly in society. We seem to find meaning in things that don’t really exist and we don’t really seem to know what we mean when we say we want to have meaning in our lives. Finding meaning in a spiritual sense is not something that resonates with me, and is not something we should expect to resonate with everyone on the planet. Finding meaning in material goods is problematic for a whole host of reasons, and ultimately seems to leave a void in our lives. Identifying goals that in one way or another make the world a better place and trying to work daily to improve the world by pursuing our goal appears to be a robust way of at the very least creating fulfillment in our lives. Finding absolute meaning in our goal may still be difficult or impossible, but hopefully the actions that take us toward that goal will make us feel valuable and useful, and hopefully that will create a sense of fulfillment.

Discussing Differences In Action

Author Colin Wright provides some useful advice for disagreements within relationships in his book, Some Thoughts About Relationships. In a section of the book, Wright focuses on our arguments and disagreements with our partners, and how we can have more constructive discussions instead of heated arguments. His advice requires some self-awareness and self-reflection in the moment, and shifts how we approach an argument.

“In practice, this means that instead of accusing or otherwise trying to put your partner on their guard, you ask them what’s going on from their perspective. Don’t interrupt, don’t offer any defense, just allow them to speak. Ask questions when they’re done, and with as little bias in your voice as possible. Request clarifying information and encourage them to provide it by delaying judgement. Speak calmly, clearly, and without talking down to them; condescension has no place in a discussion.”

Wright’s quote has a lot of practical and useful advice that is worth remembering. Many of his points are simple, but are not easy since they push against our typical reactions in any given disagreement. To follow his advice, it is important to be aware of how you are reacting in the moment, and to shift perspective, focus, and goals so that you are not trying to win an argument, but are instead trying to better understand your partner.

By not accusing the other person of some fault, we lower their defenses and allow them to be more relaxed and cognitively engaged in our discussion, as opposed to passionately entrenched against us. By asking for their perspective without interrupting we allow them to explain their thoughts, de-escalate the tension, and learn about their experience which we cannot argue against since their perspective, different from our own, determines the reality they experience. By delaying judgement and speaking honestly and openly, without bitterness or sarcasm, we show the other person that we do care about them, and we have an opportunity to share our point of view and experiences to hopefully create a constructive dialogue.

If we do not try to win an argument, and if we do not see our interactions with others as zero sum, we can have rational discussions and invite more positive conversation into our lives and relationships. It is challenging to change course and direction during an argument, and it is tempting to react emotionally and impulsively, but slowing our brain, remembering Wright’s advice, and acting rationally can be constructive for all involved.