Tag: Relationships

Journaling to Improve Your Relationship

Posted on by jabittan
Richard Wiseman in his book 59 Seconds: Think a Little Change a Lot explores the importance of journaling to reach your goals, increase happiness, and boost the longevity of your relationships. What Wiseman found and explains to the reader is that it takes just a few minutes of writing to drastically change your thoughts. I would not call Wiseman’s findings mental “hacks”, but rather simple tools that help boost self awareness and shift your mental focus. Our culture has become obsessed with finding “hacks” to simplify life and produce desired changes without much effort.  To me the idea of mental hacks misses the point.  The real idea is to become more self aware, so that you can consciously decide to change your attitude and behavior as opposed to adopting some hack to force you to change and achieve some quick goal.  While Wiseman’s journaling suggestions are short a and quick, they cannot be described as hacks because they require a level of mental focus to be useful.

 

Wiseman outlines this simple three day journaling activity to help improve your relationship:

 

“Day 1:
     Spend ten minutes writing about your deepest feelings about your current romantic relationship.  Feel free to explore your emotions and thoughts.

Day 2:

     Think about someone that you know who is in a relationship that is in some way inferior to your own.  Write three important reasons why your relationship is better than theirs.

Day 3:

Write one important positive quality that your partner has, and explain why this quality means so much to you.
Now write something that you consider to be a fault with your partner and then list one way in which this fault could be considered redeeming or endearing.”

 

What really surprises me is that Wiseman openly encourages us to compare our relationship to others.  I grew up playing basketball and learning about John Wooden, and one of Wooden’s key philosophies was that you can never compare yourself to another person.  According to Wooden’s philosophy, comparing your relationship to another persons relationship is useless since your background will differ, and since you can not control the actions or fortunes of the others.  Wiseman however is asking us to compare and specifically think of a relationship that we deem to be negative.  The purpose of this reflection is to have us think about ways in which the other relationship is not going well, and then identify why ours is going well.  What we could see is something that we want to avoid in our relationship, or we may see that our relationship is also filled with the same negative qualities. While Wooden may still be correct, the exercise of day two does help build self awareness.

 

The most powerful day in my opinion is day three of Wiseman’s relationship journaling.  I believe that many people in relationships work hard to avoid thinking of the characteristics they do not like in their partner.  There is definitely an idea in our culture that things are ok if your ignore the bad and only focus on the positive.  In relationships I believe this idea may be even stronger.  It can be scary to think about the qualities we do not like in our partner, but when we think about how those qualities build up to the entire person, and why they align with the person we love, it can boost our feelings for them and reduce the importance of that negative quality.  Wiseman helps us to see past the single negative quality by placing it in a more positive light.

 

Ultimately Wiseman’s ideas for increasing the longevity of our relationships through journaling helps us gain more awareness in our relationship and focus our thoughts and energy towards the love we feel for the other person. He encourages us to venture into scary places thinking about the negative quality of our relationship and the relationships of others.  By doing so we can see how to better our relationships and what pitfalls we wish to avoid.

An Exercise of Gratefullness

Posted on by jabittan
In my previous post I wrote about keeping a luck journal and the many ways in which a process for gratefulness can assist an individual with building happiness.  In his book, 59 Seconds, Richard Wiseman explains a very simple luck diary that is designed to provide different reflective ideas for each day of the week. Monday starts off by having the reader think about things they are thankful for, and Wiseman gives examples of the kinds of things many people have to be thankful for, but often overlook.  One of the examples Wiseman gives really made me stop and think about my own life,
“There are many things in your life for which to be grateful.  These might include having close friends, being in a wonderful relationship, benefiting from the sacrifices that others have made for you …”
He continues on with his list, but I was instantly struck by the idea of reflecting on and writing about our thankfulness in having others make sacrifices for us.  After highlighting the section when reading I left myself a note, “seeing the sacrifices others have made for us is so difficult” and I believe  that I was correct, and  that my sentiment at the time of reading Wiseman’s quote is exactly why reflecting on and writing about the sacrifices of others is so important.  I have 145 entries in my personal luck journal at the time I write this, and I am willing to bet that a much higher percentage of my entries focus on things, experiences, and my own accomplishments than things that others did to benefit me.
Moving forwards I will leave myself a note so that I remember to focus on the sacrifices that others have made for me.  I believe that a new focus on the actions of others will help me to build my awareness in a way that is more inclusive of those around me.  Rather than focusing in on my self, this awareness will broaden my horizon and help me see that my successes are truly the successes of those who are around me.  145 days of being grateful for things that I have done on my own shuts out the most important piece of my happiness, the relationships I have with others.  Focusing on these sacrifices of others will allow me to see the ways in which I can build relationships and serve others.
I recently read the book, Insight Out, and then listened to a presentation by the book’s author Dr. Tina Seelig.  At the end of her presentation Dr. Seelig was asked about luck, and she responded by explaining some of Dr. Wiseman’s research on the subject.  In her mind luck is a product of engagement in the world combined with deep awareness of the world around you.  The type of awareness one can receive by focusing on others will help you to engage with those around you in new ways. Seeing their sacrifices allows you to make sacrifices to help them, and positive experiences from those relationships become the luck that propels you in life.

Connecting with Others

Posted on by jabittan
James Harmon’s book, Take My Advice, is a collection of letters written to him by other writers, artists, and creative people whom Harmon Admired.  William T. Vollmann is one of the writers who submitted a letter for Harmon’s book, and in his letter he lists 21 pieces of advice. Number three on his list reads, “Try to love as many people as you can (i.e., be proud of who they are—don’t transgress their boundaries.” Advice like this is helpful for me to hear every day because it reminds me to be open minded to those around me, and to think of others first.
When we are meeting someone for the first time it is easy to connect with them and be friendly and inviting.  However, as we get to know the other person we start to see things we do or do not like about them, and the judgemental thoughts begin.  It may start out small, but over time our judgments and opinions shift, and in our mind we develop shortcuts for thinking about the other person.  This can be positive or negative, but either way our shortcuts do not encourage us to truly understand and think about the other.  Rather than caring about them and taking the time to have meaningful interactions we skip past them assuming they have not changed since we got to know them and assuming that we understand them.
This can often times be harmless for us and others, but  it can also be hurtful for both of us.  Once we have fixated on how our relationship with another can benefit us or if we only focus on what we dislike about the other, then we are not willing to truly assist them and listen to what they have to say.  In this sense we miss a chance to bring the other person up, and we also miss out on times when the other person could help us.  Nuggets of advice that encourage meaningful relationships and friendships can help us avoid these pitfalls.  I am drawn to Vollmann’s advice because he encourages us to seek true connections with others, and to see the world through their eyes.  In order to adopt the perspective of others we must understand their background and their relationship with us. This takes a lot of self reflection and self awareness for us to be able to put ourselves in other people’s shoes and truly reflect on how our relationship impacts both of us.
The ultimate goal of this type of exercise and self reflection is not to find a secret way to benefit ourselves by being nice to others. Vollmann would argue that the importance is in building relationships that will strengthen both parties.  By connecting with and understanding others we will help them feel more valued and build a stronger sense of community.  Looking only for our own gains in relationships will ultimately leave us lonely, and will damage the overall sense of community and family within our lives. The ideas of Vollmann in this section return to Dr. Laura Schlessinger’s quote from a previous post of mine, “The meaning of life is inherent in the connections we make to others through honor and obligation.”

Connections

Posted on by jabittan
When I read James Harmon’s book, Take My Advice, Dr. Laura Schlessinger’s letter spoke to me on many levels as it addressed many of the thoughts, questions, and ideas that I have been churning over for a long time.  One section that I highlighted reads, “The meaning of life is inherent in the connections we make to others through honor and obligation.” I love this quote and Schlessinger’s idea because it puts other people, not ourselves or money, at the center of our universe.  When we live for our connections with others then we go out of our way to develop meaningful relationships with other people.

Dr. Schlessinger’s quote reminds me of an old track coach who was always focused on relationships.  He spoke about them in the same way as Dr. Schlessinger with a message that in the end, all we have are the relationships and the impacts we have made on other people’s lives.  For me the idea “through honor and obligation” means personal sacrifices for others, and performing acts that will not just benefit you, but those around you as well.  I think that this mindset can help build a sense of community and provide something that many are missing in this day.  Our culture is very individualistic, and what has happened is that our sense of others and connection to others has become more instant with technology, yet more fractured and distant.  If we were to adopt the ideas of Schlessinger, and put others at the center of our world, we would adopt a new identity that would shape us in a way where we are confident in ourselves, and understand that we depend our community for real support.  This idea could override the individualistic attitude of our culture, and help repair our fractured view of community.

Our End

Posted on by jabittan
Roger Scruton wrote a letter to James Harmon for his book, Take My Advice: Letters to the Next Generation From People Who Know a Thing or Two, and in his letter he discusses living a life that is meaningful.  In a thought experiment Scruton asks the reader to imagine their death with one of two scenarios.  In the first, you imagine that you have a lived a life full of instant pleasures, but you have not made a deep impact on the lives of others. In the second you have left a legacy not of instant pleasures, but of character and deeds that are treasured by those who were close to you.  Scruton writes, “you will come to see that there are worse things than death, and that, in the end, death is not the most grievous of your losses.  Far worse is to live too long, clinging to a life that has lost its enchantment.” This quote caps off the thought experiment, and leaves us at a place where we can consider exactly what the value of our lives should be.
This quote speaks to me about the importance of putting others first to develop meaningful relationships that will last longer than my life.  Scruton is encouraging us to make difficult decisions that will lead others to trust us, feel more open and closer to us, and want to build meaningful relationships with us.  I believe that this is the first step in living a life that is not monotonous and bland.  By actively involving others in our lives, we will open new doors and possibilities for ourselves. In turn this will lead to building lives that remain interesting and exciting as we age.